


stars will guide, and i will follow

by diabolicaldean



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Author Is Nervous So They Write, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan "Buck" Buckley Backstory, Father-Son Relationship, Minor Character Death, More Hurt Than Comfort, Prediction's for Daniel's story, References to Depression, Season/Series 04, Self-Hatred, Set after Buck Begins, Spoilers for Season 4, The Buckley secret, all that good stuff, and then maybe ill add buddie, anywho the author has daddy issues and needs bobby nash in their life, author is sad, author is sorry, but I plan to alter this fic after buck begins, cause lets be real bobby is bucks dad idc, cries, depends on ep 6 and ana haha, no buddie sorry:(, we'll see
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 10:21:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29452212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diabolicaldean/pseuds/diabolicaldean
Summary: “Why would you be an issue, Buck?” Bobby asked, a bit of protectiveness leaking through the tone of his voice, parent-like protectiveness. It made Buck smile. Knowing that Bobby felt a need to soothe him after he self-deprecated.The world is an uncertain place, Evan. You have to protect yourself.“Because I survive everything that comes my way. I’m way overdue.” Bobby’s breath hitched. He didn’t expect Buck to be blunt.“Overdue?” he asked instead of panicking at the sureness of Buck’s tone. He knew he was in a delicate position here, one wrong move and Buck could shut the door, firmly lock it and never turn back. Get out of reach. Bobby never wants to see Buck in that position. Out of reach. Too far away to get help.“Mhm.” he hums softly in response.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Evan "Buck" Buckley's Parents, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley
Comments: 5
Kudos: 128





	stars will guide, and i will follow

**Author's Note:**

> i am nervous about buck begins haha can you tell :') and what do i do? i hurt buck even more! anyways enjoy i guess, there are no additional warnings, at least i don't think so.
> 
> soon into this fic you'll realize metaphors aren't my thing so i hope this isn't too confusing.
> 
> -
> 
> feel free to leave comments , id love to read what you think about this

At some point, he forgot the world was an uncertain place.

It was a quiet night. The moon shone brightly, casting strikes of white moonlight on the peaceful Pacific. There was a cold breeze hitting his face and chest every once in a while, but he didn’t shy away from it.The breeze felt like a balm to his soul, healing - _nurturing_ \- thousands of little cuts that he gained during his time on Earth. It could never heal them completely, some of them deep enough that all it would take for his soul to fall apart was one last strike. Luckily he still felt all the pieces of his in their place. He didn’t know how they were there but he was grateful for it.

Human souls are complicated.

A soul can be the strongest force on Earth if one knows how to handle it without losing themselves in the process, and yet it’s so brittle, as if made out of the lightest glass, waiting for you to slip up and shatter it. He’s very well aware of the fact that his soul isn’t some sort of a martyr, that many people walk around the world with an endless black pit instead of a life-force in their chests. But his soul endured enough. It holds itself together by thin, frayed strings, but it holds nonetheless.

Buck took in a deep breath, taking in the salty atmosphere that surrounded the beach. A person would think that after getting caught up in a tsunami, he’d be afraid to come near the pier, let alone to sit on the beach at two in the morning. And at first, he was scared. Terrified at times. The nightmares and occasional flashbacks in the middle of the day reminding him of what could’ve happened. Of what he could’ve lost. But he got through it. He doesn’t remember how he pushed through the iron-clad grip that fear had on him, but he did it. And now, a year later after conquering his biggest fear, sitting alone on the beach at two in the morning became a ritual.

The ocean was still peaceful as ever, unaware of Buck’s late night (or early morning?) thoughts.

“So... are you going to keep hiding or will you sit down next to me?” he asked seemingly no one. The sand sunk under Bobby’s weight as he slowly but steadily approached Buck’s spot.

“How’d you know I was here?” Bobby asked curiously, but Buck could hear an underlying tone of worry in the older man’s voice. He continued to look at the moon, the breeze he felt before now getting weaker.

“Next time you follow someone, you might want to leave a little bit more space in between your car and the other one” he smirked before he added

“I could see your headlights in the rear view mirror”

He didn’t tell Bobby that once upon a time, he was trained to know who follows him at all times, no matter the distance they leave in between them. SEALS were very thorough.

“Now I at least don’t have to worry about you getting kidnapped” Bobby remarked lightly. Buck snorted.

“No, uh, you don’t.”

Bobby sat next to the younger man, leaving enough space between them just enough so their shoulders brushed. He wiped off the sand from his palms, putting his arms on his raised knees and leaning forward. Neither of them said a word, satisfied to stay in the tranquil silence. After a while though, when the moon started to melt into the blue Pacific, Bobby weakly nudged Buck’s shoulder.

“Wanna tell me what’s going on in that head of yours?”

Right to the point then.

“I’m okay, if that’s what you’re asking.” he replied. Bobby sighed softly, as if he expected that answer from the younger man. Buck guesses he did.

“There weren’t any bad calls lately, or major injuries. We’re good, you’re good with the team. You and Eddie didn’t have a fight- or did you? Bobby cut himself off

“No, we’re good. Everything’s fine.” Buck soothed.

“Maddie and you? Is she alright?”

“As I said, Cap. Everything is as it should be.”

Bobby nudged his shoulder again, now stronger than the first time. Buck turned to face the man for the first time that night. As predicted, he looked worried. Bobby always looked worried though, or well, when he was around Buck. Bobby searched something in his gaze and whatever he found, it made the man tense.

“It’s about the factory fire, isn’t it?” Bobby asked tentatively.

Buck tore his gaze away. It was and it wasn’t. He didn’t even know. Bobby walked right into the point even though Buck didn’t give him the opening to do so. Bobby can be like that, perceptive, take one look at you and figure out what burden is currently weighing you down before you even figure it out yourself.

_The world is an uncertain place, Evan. You have to protect yourself._

“I don’t know.” He replied honestly.

Bobby frowned slightly, trying to gather what Buck was telling him. Before he could ask more, Buck shifted in his position, laying down arms crossed behind his head, eyes watching the pitch black sky. Stars were hidden this night, much to Buck’s dismay. He loved looking for constellations, and even though he rarely got lucky with it, it occupied his mind long enough for it to shut up and let him breathe.

“Whatever you’re thinking right now, you can tell me. You know that, right?” Bobby asked.

“I know.”

“But you won’t tell me?”

Buck continued to look at the dark sky. The moon was still shining bright enough that the lack of stars wasn’t so noticeable. There was something about the depth of the dark sky though, making him feel insignificant and uneasy. The stars helped, they guided him through the darkness, reminded him he’s here for a reason. No matter how small and trifling that reason was.

“The world is an uncertain place.” he responded calmly.

Bobby smiled softly. “That it is.”

“It’s dangerous, unpredictive.” Buck continued. “No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, it finds a way to bring you to your knees everytime you relearn how to walk.”

Bobby laid next to him, clasping his hands on his chest. His head made a soft ‘thump’ sound as it nested in the sand below him.

“And what did it do to shove you back down?” Bobby questioned calmly.

“Made me believe I wasn’t the issue in the first place” he responded without a second thought. There wasn’t sorrow in his voice, quite the opposite. There was this calmness, emptiness instead. Certainty.

“Issue?”

“Yeah.”

“Why would you be an issue, Buck?” Bobby asked, a bit of protectiveness leaking through the tone of his voice, parent-like protectiveness. It made Buck smile. Knowing that Bobby felt a need to soothe him after he self-deprecated.

_The world is an uncertain place, Evan. You have to protect yourself._

“Because I survive everything that comes my way. I’m way overdue.”

Bobby’s breath hitched. He didn’t expect Buck to be blunt.

“Overdue?” he asked instead of panicking at the sureness of Buck’s tone. He knew he was in a delicate position here, one wrong move and Buck could shut the door, firmly lock it and never turn back. Get out of reach. Bobby never wants to see Buck in that position. Out of reach. Too far away to get help.

“Mhm.” he hums softly in response.

“Kiddo, I’m gonna need more than that.” Bobby cursed at himself as soon as those words left his mouth. The worry that hung out in the back of his mind for weeks after that factory burned up made an appearance, tried to cut through the fog that glazed over Buck’s eyes and never left.

Bobby was lucky tonight though. Buck stopped caring about his parents’ words, and as a defect, he stopped caring about what the world will think of him if he pours his soul out.

“When I was young…” he started, clearing his throat. He closed his eyes, imaging the stars. Hydra looked beautiful tonight.

“When I was young, my parents left me alone to go to some sort of an important job meeting. More important than to remember their 5 year old son would be left alone. Or to extinguish the fireplace” He grimaced at the way his voice cracked, but he didn’t want to stop now. Hydra was still shining brightly in front of him, a section of it lighting up, illuminating the trip down the memory lane he started.

“Maddie was at a birthday party, surrounded by a bunch of her peers, getting coaxed into drinking her first beer. Unaware of the fact that her baby brother is about to put an end to her preetens.” Buck paused, waiting for the following section to light up, to tell him that he’s not making a terrible mistake. That he’s right for putting his walls down, letting Bobby take a peek at the mess that was hiding behind them

Bobby sat up, putting a reassuring hand on Buck’s shoulder. His gaze fell on the small waves that appeared at the bottom of the beach.

The path lighted up.

“I don’t know why I was near the fireplace, why my little brain thought it was a good idea to reach for the freshly burning logs. I guess the fire had a magnetic pull on me even then.” He chuckled humorlessly. Bobby stayed silent, his grip on Buck’s shoulder tightening, signaling him to continue.

“One of the burning logs fell onto the carpet. In a matter of seconds everything caught on fire. The furniture, the curtains..” he paused briefly. “I remember the heat, I can still feel it. And the heaviness of the black smoke, I can feel that too. I didn’t even make it to the front doors before I collapsed.”

Bobby thought back on the factory call. How the fire was swallowing up everything in its path, the black smoke obediently following it, suffocating everything while doing so.

“After that, everything gets hazy. I remember someone dragging me away from the fire. I remember the hospital lights, but I wasn’t the one who was sick. I remember my mother’s whimpers and my dad’s tears, but I was okay. I remember Maddie trashing in her bed, calling out for her brother, but I was right next door.”

Buck sat up now too, shrugging off Bobby’s hand in the process. Bobby left it hovering over Buck’s shoulder, wanting to soothe the other man but knowing that right now, Buck doesn’t need it.

Not yet.

"Few weeks ago, Maddie and I were going through her baby box when I found a photo of a young boy, riding my bike." Buck exhaled, fidgeting with his hands. Bobby had an idea of what Buck was implying and his heart was breaking for his firefighter. His son. 

"I had a brother." young man stated. "Daniel. He died of smoke inhalation and 3rd degree burns." He said slowly, not really believing that he's actually telling someone this. But he didn't know how to stop now that he started. 

“Daniel Buckley was the first poor bastard that stood between me and Death, and I can’t even remember his face.” Buck finished, breathing out a shaky breath.

Hydra’s last point stayed stubbornly dark, knowing that Buck wasn’t truly finished. He opened his eyes, the constellation still in front of them nevertheless. “But he wasn’t the only one that died that day.” He leaned into Bobby’s hovering hand. The older man had none of that though, and instead he pulled Buck into an one arm embrace. Buck felt exhausted, but also encouraged to finish the trip. “Death is greedy. Even if they are still present, still walking around the world, breathing, talking, laughing… Philip and Margaret’s souls died as well. I killed my brother, and in the process, I killed my parents, my childhood and took away a piece of my sister’s soul.”

The last point lighted up.

**Author's Note:**

> ty for reading, hope it wasn't too boring :)


End file.
